I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize