The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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