If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize