I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
