My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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