the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
