Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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