who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
