How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
