So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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