The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
