You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
