You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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