Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
