I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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