Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
