I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
