I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
