There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
