I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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