so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
