barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
