New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
