i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
