she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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