so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
