I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
