John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
