wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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