Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
