i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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