I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
