and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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