I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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