a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am midnight drunk by noon
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
