dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm like, not good at living.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
