I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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