i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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