I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
