we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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