You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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