I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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