the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
