I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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