Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
