My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
