I think I won the penis lottery.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
