Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
