I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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