I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
