Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
