when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
