Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you never un-have a 4some
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
