I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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