you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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