oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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