i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
