Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
