so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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